


CSI Miami But It's Actually a Self-Insert SNL Skit

by NervousAsexual



Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: Crack Fic, I had fun and I hope you do too, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 14:00:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12367239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousAsexual/pseuds/NervousAsexual
Summary: Just as it says on the tin.





	CSI Miami But It's Actually a Self-Insert SNL Skit

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this six years ago and it still makes me smile. Hope you enjoy too!

INT.DAY.INTERROGATION ROOM

David Caruso stands in the empty interrogation room, staring out a window at the pretty view of the Miami summer outside. He folds up his sunglasses and seems about to say something poetic when suddenly the door is kicked in and in bursts a female suspect. She looks wildly around, then rushes headlong across the room and flings her arms about his legs. Behind her enter Pouty Dude and Oldest Daughter.

Pouty Dude: This is our current prime suspect, David Caruso.

Oldest Daughter: She claims innocence.

Prime Suspect: Please, you have to believe me! I didn’t do it!

David Caruso quietly looks away. He says nothing. Enter Hawaiian Shirt Guy, with a man in handcuffs.

Hawaiian Shirt Guy: This is the victim’s ex-boyfriend. His fingerprints were in CODIS and on the murder weapon.

Man in Handcuffs: I didn’t do it!

He flings himself at David Caruso and wraps his arms around his other leg. David Caruso weebles a bit and almost loses his balance. He glances down at them.

Man in Handcuffs: Please, you have to believe me!

David Caruso: I would like to believe you, son. I really would.

Enter British Accent Lady, with yet another suspect, this one female and holding a spork. The female suspect flings herself at David Caruso, but there isn’t any room to hug his legs. He tips over and hits the wall.

British Accent Lady: She was eating a meatloaf made from the victim’s spleen.

Man in Handcuffs: Get out of here! This is my space!

Prime Suspect: Well, I was here first!

Female Suspect: I didn’t do it! It wasn’t me! You have to believe me!

Prime Suspect: No! Believe me!

Man in Handcuffs: No! Me! Believe me!

Female Suspect: It wasn’t me! Believe me!

They continue to protest their innocence, and David Caruso looks frantically from one suspect to another. The team just stands and drools aimlessly. David Caruso looks more and more confused. Then, at last, in a louder voice that is still not a shout:

David Caruso: Stop!

All action ceases. The team jerks collectively and wipes away their slobber. David Caruso collects himself and unfolds his sunglasses. He tilts his head all the way to one side.

David Caruso: I have come to the conclusion that…

He puts on his sunglasses.

David Caruso: You’re all guilty.

And with that he busts out the window and dashes away.

The Who: YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Opening Credits play.

INT.DAY.INTERROGATION ROOM

David Caruso can be seen making a getaway across the ocean in a speedboat. He disappears over the horizon, and the stunned team and gang of suspects just stand for a moment, staring blankly. And then:

Oldest Daughter: He isn’t coming back, is he?

British Accent Lady: I don’t think so.

Another beat, then everyone lowers their head. They all slip on sunglasses, then stare off into the distance.

Fin.


End file.
